Saturday, June 14, 2008

Writing INbetween


Then it became clear to me through a quiet, gentle voice: "You may have authored the book, but the people who drift into and out of your life, like colorful leaves mingling in the breeze of autumn dialects, are the ones who are helping edit your story with the ink of their lives. Invite them to join you."


And so, I am venturing into an undiscovered country: Blog. And I invite you to join me as a fellow explorer and spelunker searching the gems to illuminate the cave.

This is how it happened and why I am putting this story out there: Last year I finished writing the first draft of my first book, titled INbetween, My year of walking in separation. It is a journal-type journey triggered by the separation from my wife of 25 years, Valerie. But it was much more than I could have ever imagined, and it is continuing each day ever since.

Writing a book was always a goal, albeit not at all my original dream of writing a children's book. Still it happened, now four years and a lifetime ago since that late July afternoon when we walked our separate ways into the desert. For those of you who know the outcome, please read on and try NOT to give the ending away. For those of you who do not know the outcome of the separation read on, because here's the idea behind this blog: I am going to try something outside the margins of the coloring paper, the idea of which came after a day of personal retreat two weeks ago. A day of reading the Bible, quiet reflection, prayer and great tunes! As a man of faith, the Messy Messianic Jew as my friends know me, I heard
the following (depending on your faith point-of-view this might also be delivered as a whisper, sense, feeling, cloud formation, image in your latte foam, etc.) : "Why not invite the people in your life to co-edit and write the final text with you? They are the characters. And each of you are but a chapter, a page, a sentence, a word, a drop of ink in My eternal story." So, who am I to argue?

Here's the deal which I submit to each of you in considering whether to join me in this big sandbox (thanks T.J.) to play & share with me and others:

  • I wrote this book from a place in my spirit as a way to deal with the deepest and and most enduring levels of pain and hurt and brokenness and discovery and joy I I have experienced in my life;
  • I do not have a plan nor desire for commercial gain from writing this book;
  • I have a passion to share the parts and pieces of my journey with men and women who have and/or are experiencing the challenges trying to come out from behind the masks we all wear to some extent (even though many of you will not admit it...yet), performing scenes of good intentions, strong efforts, achievement and the like;
  • We all have questions about life with which we struggle. We don't know where to go, who to ask, who to trust and in those moments cry out to God for help through the pain and confusion;
  • I do not have answers, just one man's story of walking in between the dark...and the light;
  • I have mentioned to people close to me that part of my life's ministry is a desire to teach and be taught by like-hearted wanderers;
  • The book is written in journal format, revealing to me the chance to offer it up in consumable bites, allowing for open feedback about: style, content, awkwardness, flow...and most importantly themes, issues, life experiences, struggles, awakenings, reconciliations, failures, joys, letting go, letting in, growth, faith, life, God;
  • I have given the full manuscript (57 pages) to 12 people, and 4 have given me input -- THE REALITY IS that people people have the best intentions, they just do not have time trying to balance life in our ADD society. I think small bites is possibly the way to go;
  • I do not want to send this to a professional editor, because I want it to carry the way and feel for the way it was written, keeping some of the flaws; after all, we live as imperfect beings, and no matter how many rounds of edits we try we will never in this world get it right. And I DO want it to be readable;
  • Imagine a sandbox. Remember digging pirate tunnels and using colorful plastic toys for building Camelot castles? There are four sides built to keep the sand from spilling out all over the place. Now, imagine those four walls being the guidelines for your participation with me: 1) HONESTY, 2) SHARING, 3) TRUST, 4) FUN;
  • I will do my best to encapsulate the comments and move to revised chapters, initially trying it in blocks of every thirty (30) days;
  • It will be done, when it is done. I trust each of you and God to light our path;
  • How many people will read it, try it on, share it with others, be impacted is out of my hands. Exactly where it is meant to be.

That's the deal. It may be the most hair-brained idea I have had to date. OK, my idea for "My Friend Sticka" probably remains in the #1 position. I might not get more than 5 people to play with me in the sand of words. Maybe none. But, I am putting it out there. I am spilling my ink stains onto the pages that follow. I am surrendering control. I am taking just the next step forward. I commit to write Wednesdays and Saturdays (this is not easy, mind you) because you are worth it, and the story and it's hopeful impact is worth it. I pray to God that He will open discussions among us. That we will be transparent and open with our feelings. That we can help each other be better versions of ourselves. That we will come to know each other a little better, and maybe even know God a little better. That truth, even as tiny pebbles tossed into the waters, will ripple wide and deep to drown the demons of deception and hiding. That when the last page is turned we will, in some small way, have stood in the light and love of a magnificent God who loves us, unconditionally, embracing our soiled and scarred lives in His welcoming arms.

The first section begins below. Please comment at any point in the document in your post, especially related to flow, content, length, clarity of message, relevance. I am MOST interested in the triggering of open dialogue about any of the issues or ideas that are presented. I welcome and encourage, please, the exchange of questions and responses. I will answer openly and with the truth from my life experience. The dialogue and sharing is more valuable than trying to claim the answers. And hopefully, you too might grapple a bit with the moments and apply them to your life.

And have some fun along the way, too.

Please join this prodigal son. Come walk with me in the INbetweens.

Messily -
Brian
___________________________________________________________________



INbetween

My year of walking in separation.

Brian Scott Kagan

This book is dedicated first and always to an amazing God; one who could love a man as broken, sinful, wandering, selfish, humbled, vulnerable, fairly dumb… and undeserving as me. It is dedicated to my family, who have blessed my life with love, patience, and acceptance. They have and continue to be my inspiration and light. They are the reason for this book and the reason why I have committed the balance of my life to becoming a better man. It is dedicated to the “brothers and sisters” who have walked with me through this year and have been a continual source of reflection & accountability without judgment about the stained fabric of my life. Finally, it is dedicated to that one other man who might read this book. A man who has hurt others, hurt himself, struggled, wondered, cried alone when no one could hear, medicated the pain, screamed in silence to whatever God might be listening, but heard no response. All on behalf of being a “real” man, instead of simply a wounded child needing a reassuring hug and someone to say, “I forgive you. I love you just the way you are."

___________________________________________________________________________

June 15, 2005

I’m a 54-year-old man. And I’m dumb!

I am also dead broke [Actually, I am negative broke – would that make me dead…dead broke?].

I gave my life to God three years ago [Actually, because most people want to know what I am, I have finally concluded that I am a Messianic Jew; not for the reason you might immediately think, but because it has “MESSI(Y)” in the label. More on this later.]. And I still haven’t got a clue what it means to be a blessed man. Why there are so many denominations when everyone is reading the same book [it’s like shopping for your faith in the Mall of America]. What it will sound like when God whispers in my ear [I’m told by spiritual mentors that this will, in fact, happen – I’m listening….]. How to experience the “ruthless trust” of God’s love. Why God wants a relationship with me, and is and always will be by my side. Trying to understand what kind of man God wants me to be, considering the fact I am more dumb than any of the original disciples [and they sure seemed clueless along the way… to the Way]; why God has led me into a career path consulting to Christian Ministries, Christian denominations, Christian world leaders & other “faith shapers” helping them impact the world for the glory of the Kingdom. Oh yes, did I mention that until April of 2002 I was a just a nice Jewish boy from Brooklyn?

For the first time I realize and accept that I have lived my entire life behind a number of decoratively painted masks, effectively hiding the real face, certain that if removed people would run; terrified from grotesque scars; seeing the fat boy who used a safety pin to hold his pants together; the kid who crapped in his underwear, burying them in the back yard so no one would ever find my shame; the 21 year-old who wanted to be a poet [the next Walt Whitman] but became a shoe salesman instead; the man who stumbled into the marketing and brand communications business, and who after thirty years has played with the best of them [Fortune 500 companies, too, mind you!] working & facilitating corporate “dreaming” sessions filled with entertaining stories, poignant insights, passionate dialogue, catalytic revelations; the man who every time on stage, wonders if this time will be the one time where they figure out I’m a total fraud.

When I am alone, I frequently feel tears pooling up behind the masked smile, fearful that anyone who tried to know, appreciate, or maybe even love me would be interacting with the mask itself.

I have been married to the same woman for 25 years and have raised two amazingly wonderful children [not sure how they’ll end up, having swum all these years in my “dumb” gene pool]. We have been through heaven, hell and then some. Valerie, my wife, is a spectacular woman who has recently emerged into the light of her faith like a sterling rose in April sunlight; the blossoming making her more complete as a woman to bring to our relationship. And we are currently desperately holding on by an unraveling thread. I have “attacked” and “accused” and “bludgeoned” her with my words, my most vicious weapon.

We are a few days into the diagnosed “therapeutic separation” [and we pay good money to counselors, coaches and therapists to use terms like this] for one year and living in separate rooms of the house, so that we can figure out if we can really “kill” the old relationship… and begin fresh with a new covenant commitment before God. So, I decided I’d write a book about this process of separation. I think this makes perfect sense, with my recent faith thing and all, to share this phase of my journey. [If you’ll indulge me this encourages me to convey a little bit more about my faith, now that I have finally decided how to answer my favorite of all faith questions, guaranteed when you meet someone new… you give them some “clue” about your journey… and they ask, “So, what are you?” That’s when I do the dog-head-side-angle-tilt-when-hearing-a-high-pitched-sound maneuver. Living my years as a guy whose “square” life has never quite fit into society’s “round” holes, I have always abhorred being neatly placed into someone’s acceptable box. To my delight, I have developed a response. I smile, replying, “If you need a category, I’d have to say I am a Messianic Jew.” Immediately I get the “OK, you’re in” twinkle & nod. I continue, “But probably NOT for the reason you might be thinking. It’s mainly because it has the messy concept in it. And for sure, this faith thing is really messy!” They give a courteous chuckle, and then likely write me off as a bit-off center heretic, likely form the residue of the ‘70’s!] And, unlike a number of “Self Help” or “Christian Inspiration” books which tells a story with a redeeming end where everything “works out” [the man finds God in a lonely bar, bares his soul, leaves it all behind, recommits his life to God and his wife, becomes a missionary, starts a marriage reconciliation counseling ministry with his wife, runs retreats in the Smoky Mountains with singing, hiking, crying, laughing, group hugs, etc., etc….] So, I am writing this story before we know how it ends. I am not sure how we will walk through the process and what it will all look like when we come through the other side. Regardless of the outcome, I do believe it will be a good thing for us, notwithstanding my consistent bitching, moaning, whining, scratching and resisting the process. [I am convinced this attitude is largely a “guy” thing. Most men really do have a propensity for being real “dicks” when we’re threatened…or revealed… or seen in any way to be vulnerable. Where are Rambo, the Terminator, and Han Solo when you really need them?]. And so it begins.

Am I really dumb? Maybe. Probably. And, the truth is that I welcome these moments, painful as they are. My prayer and hope is that in your reading my real-time story, experience my questions, wanderings, and discoveries that you might see the blessings through your own broken and confused moments, feel the discomfort of the constricting mask you might be wearing, know the loneliness of retreating to the cave of rooms while trying to hide from the demons who join you for coffee this morning or share cocktails in the living room late at night. And then, I hope we will feel the gentle hand of God touch our shoulder, whispering, “Trust me. Come and accept the invitation I have for you to be the man I have always planned for you to be. And by the way, I love you just the way you are.”

END OF THIS SECTION



16 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hey Brain, thanks for asking me to comment... you gotta know that I am about as far from being an editor as I am from Mars. I like to read so my comments will be broad in nature.
You did a good job of making me want to read about your journey. You invited me into some honest feelings. The negative? I think you spent too much time berating yourself... lighten it up a bit but keep the honesty.
I look forward to reading more :)

Anonymous said...

You're on a journey alone, and shoulder to shoulder with all of us at home. In one sense, we are traveling somehow, somewhere fast... a real high speed action adventure at 66,000 mph, balanced on one round ball we call home. On another grand scale, this earth lands right back at the same place every year. On the big picture of life, it's one giant repeat episode, once around the sun. The "dumb" part of this sitcom comes from not learning, the wisdom of this adventure comes from our sharing and understanding.

What is different today from the repeat of hundreds of thousand of years, is not the repeat story, but how we come to share it and learn from it. There were prodigal sons before the one first written and many more to come, every son travels around the same sun. Even if we are all traveling on a similar journey of discovery, curiosity, ignorance, and wisdom. Today, this day, the speed of change is undeniable accelerated. The habitants of earth, no matter religious choice, or no choice, have the opportunity to communicate with most anyone, at most anytime, and learn most anything. It seem likely we should get to learning this quickly. There is something different about today, It seems like the prodigal sons, while we are out on our wild road trip on the planet in pursuit of happiness, have a greater ability to do some serious damage. it seems, prodigal sons, can spend some hard earned money of many, starting a business, starting a war, drilling resources out of earth, trashing our planet, all while having a the time of our life. The story of the prodigal son, is a story of urgency, the only "dumb" thing we could do, is not share it, not learn from it. We should all celebrate the prodigals sons in all of, back home for a Change, with a sense of honesty and urgency and the world's greatest love.

It's an amazing time in history to celebrate us home, and make something of it while we are here.

Congratulation on sharing your journey...

Gwen Hanna said...

Hey Brian,
Thanks for the invite! You may have forgotten that I AM an editor! :> I enjoyed your honesty and the interjected personal commentary along the way. I agree with rickburke ... ease up on yourself ...perhaps that comes in the later segments?

Press on!
Gwen

Anonymous said...

I find the open-ness of your sharing humbling - how may of us will put ourselves out there for others to see as we stumble, grow and learn? However, leading with a limp is perhaps what keeps us humble. And taking the masks off to see our inner selves keeps us growing. And isn't life about learning? So I appreciate being taken along on the journey of your inbetween. Your sharing will help us all look at our own journeys.
I agree that you are hard on yourself, and yet I know that sometimes when we take ourselves down to nothing we hear that inner whisper of grace. Press on. ...and thank you.

Anonymous said...

Brian,

This is a completely innovative idea, I love it, thank you for including me. Your vulnerability has already been noted but let me throw my vote towards that as a central theme. While reading your first couple paragraphs the words to billy joel's THE STRANGER played over an over in my head. "we all have a face that we hide behind forever and we take them out and show ourselves when everyone has gone". We all have them, we all pretend, we all hide. It takes a bold person (and smart person) to write without that mask on.

I look forward to the next installment. God's chasing you....thanks for looking around for him.

Don

Anonymous said...

Brian, thank you so much for inviting me to be a part of this. It has been amazing to watch your journey and how God is working in your life even though most of the time I've observed from the fringes. I'm excited to here the details of the story.

My comments? The first paragraph already had me tearing up. Love the honesty, but agree with the other comments about berating yourself too much. Love the raw authenticity. I was able to sense your pain and struggle through your writing. Can't wait for more!

sTiVo said...

Dude - I love this idea. As someone that loves words and believes in their power to communicate thoughts, feelings and ideas, I love this whole thing.

That being said, I have two comments. First, I like the raw-ness, even if it feels to some like you're "too rough" on yourself. I have to humbly disagree with the comments prior to mine. I thought it was fine, but maybe that's because I think similar thoughts about myself. So I liked knowing that I'm not the only one that thinks those kinds of things.

Second, I wonder if the statements at the end of the post or entry that talk about what others might learn from joining you on your journey should be in a prologue and let each entry (or whatever you're calling them) stand on their own as your personal thoughts without telling the reader what it might mean for them. Does that make sense? To keep the authenticity super-high, it might work better if each entry didn't try to explain itself. And maybe you're not planning on that and I'm reading ahead into the other entries that I haven't seen yet. If that's just something that comes with the first entry, I think that might be good. Then again, that's just my opinion...and probably comes from my own baggage.

I tend to only share my personal feelings if I feel like I can use them as an illustration to "help" others. My counselor has helped me see that for me, it's a way that I maintain "control" over what I share, how I share and how I'm perceived by the people to whom I am sharing. Again, that's my baggage and might not necessarily be yours.

All of that to say...those were my thoughts. (And I threw in some elipses in my comment just for you!) I'm proud to know you and proud of you (in a non-condescending way!) that you're willing to share openly and even invite criticism. I love what God is doing in you and it gives me hope that He will continue to work in me as well.

Grace and peace.

Shelly said...

Hi Brian:

With great anticipation, I wait for your next entry. I too, had tears welling up at your intro. I was rivted to attention by your words and so much of what you shared produces a "comman-man" resonance with anyone who is actively travelling on their faith journey.

God's got something in mind about this. Keep listening!

Rachelle

Dan Vander Plaats said...

Brian:

Great start; I agree in totality with stivo. He has hit the same points I meant to, so I will leave the critique with what he said.

To that end, though, I really wish to underscore the importance of letting people see themselves in your struggles, and we won't do that by you leading us into it, but by reading what you started with, a raw unveiling of the real Brian, which leads to a raw unveiling of Dan, and may even make Dan a little less introverted and worried about unveiling himself in reality.

Oh...and didja know you can have your Facebook page show all of your blog posts as you post them? Just check out your Notes application is you want to do that.

SharkWriter! said...

Brian, I am honored and humbled to be invited to your "party." And on my birthday too yet! Of course, the self-berating comes from your cultural Jewish tendency to inflict even more guilt and pain on yourself than you probably deserve, so I can relate to and abide by that. The other thing that resonated with me most was your reference to using your words as your most effective weapon, to inflict abuse and pain on your wife. My six-word story is: "Like sharp swords, words protected me." Touche.
Congratulations on commencing your journey in public. I will refrain from editorializing re: grammar/structure/spelling, etc., because your stated intention is to be real and authentic, warts and all. So I'll keep my red pen capped, even though such transgressions as using "it's" for "its" are definitely grounds for severe repercussions! I'm interested in what happens next because I'm interested in you and hearing your story. Story is after all the sum of who we are at any point along the way. Being removed from my natural habitat in the States, I have developed an insatiable curiosity about other people's stories, and some of them are quite incredible. But it just affirms our humanity and similarities--a way to bridge that chasm of otherness. And your journey as revealed here does the same thing. Kudos. C

Brian Kagan said...

rickburke: Thanks for the honest feedback. As far as the "berating thing" I can only say that when I was writing and living this I was constantly amazed at some of the things that came out of my mouth, actions and thoughts leading to Oscar winning relational blunders. And...I am realizing that jabbing at myself was a good way to have people tell me NOT to berate myself, that I am a good man, we all go through.... Good temporary antidote for truth's sting. That said... it gets lighter.

QUESTION: So, what do you and others do when you really want to let yourself have it?

torok: Wow, oh great universe traveler and bringing your creativity Live TO Planet Earth! Love your insights about prodigals. Feels like you are saying that all of nature exists "prodigally", moving back and forth between the pig sty and the party. The moments are all we have. The expressions and sharing of those moments are embraced by an eternal and extraordinary unconditional love.

Whatever you choose to call it...I'm in.

QUESTION: How's the air on Perelandra?

gwen: just proves there is ALWAYS something new to learn about someone you know, no matter how long or deep. Maybe my next book will be INbetween Lite! :)

QUESTION: So, when are you going to write your story?

tridegirl: Thanks for the thoughts, and yes...my learning has come from the yearning and some burning. It's like taking an old picture of an earlier "you" and watching it fade to ash under the flame of your voice as you say out loud, "yes, that was me hiding behind that perfect image of my self." Hmmm...now I get what the personal trainers mean when they say, "It's supposed to burn" as every muscle in your body is aching under the strain of working out to become the stronger body you want to live in.

QUESTION: What's an effective way to work out a life of emotional atrophy?

b: Thanks for coming along. Glad to share it. And to think, my first two paragraphs brought Billy Joel to mind. I think I might stop here and relish the moment, just in case the latter pages bring Pee Wee Herman or Mister Rogers front and center! By the way, the only edit on your "smart person" comment is: In this case it was a person smarting the got the ink spilling.

I am just another guy looking to find my place in this world. :)

QUESTION: What song best reflects the story of your story at this point in time?

jenni catron: Wow, so great to see you (is that what you're supposed to say in the digital world??)One of the biggest "ah has" I have discovered buried in the pile of leaves we call time: life is best experienced on the fringes, the edges, out of bounds. When we are able to get out of our own way from being in the middle of it all, to the fringes, God is waiting for us. To sit. To rest. To listen. To feel. To know.

QUESTION: What's the last thing you encountered in a relationship that you know should BE RATED?? Think about it. :)

stivo: So, how's this approach? :)
Thanks for your transparency and letting some light spills through the cracks in stucco wall. These, and the other's comments ARE the reason I felt called to do this this way. Sometimes, doesn't it feel a bit like we are all a bunch of mirror fragments, falling and spinning and hoping for a moment to reflect upon each other?

Loved your "illustration" image. Crayons, paper and we get to choose if we stay inside or outside the lines. I am finding a lot more drawing on the outside.

QUESTION: If you were to draw something with crayons right now...what would you draw? Now, what's the FIRST thing that came to your mind?

shelly: Hmmm...thank you for joining us. Thanks also for reminding me that we would do well to remind ourselves regularly that we are all lust common people, sharing the uncommonly challenging, inspiring, ironic, bizarre, rewarding, ADD, neurotic, blessed thing called life. I love the definition someone gave me for a dysfunctional family: any family with more than one member.

QUESTION: So, what did you hear the last time you listened...and heard?

dan vander plaats: Dude, you were right. I actually went to FB and did it! You rock. Forgive me, but I have this image of a peeling banana or orange... once you remove the outside covering, there's juicy and nutritious and delicious stuff for you. Now, that's A PEELING. OK, so they cannot ALL be good ones.

QUESTION: How would you define "struggle"?

Thanks to ALL of you who commented, and ALL of you who read and didn't comment. You are ALL appreciated.

Messy Me

Brian Kagan said...

carolynn: Mazel Tov! Thanks for coming and yay on your birthday. I do, even though I cringe & cramp, appreciate your and other's critique on the "dumb" grammatical errors. Try to be gentle though. :)

Love your six word story! You...you.......you're gooooood!

QUESTION: Which ONE word in your six word story is most powerful to you, and why???

madjon said...

I have little to say, but I am reading...

Unknown said...

Brian,
Thanks so much for the invitation to be a part of this journey with you. I am humbled as I see the powerful ways that God has been shaping your life and how honestly you share the experience. You see I grew up in a stoic Scandinavian culture in northern Minnesota where high values were to "buck up" and "keep your struggles to yourself." I have struggled most of my life to be courageous enough to let people look inside to see what God was really doing in me. Having just read through the book of Job I was profoundly impacted by the honest struggles that Job shared without hiding or sugar coating things. Keep up the great work and thanks for letting me into your world. It is a great honor! I am excited to read more.......

Brian Kagan said...

kevin compelien: Welcome to the inking. Your words of encouragement really are honoring to this story. I sense your reading on and inking as we go will give us all more permission to look through the sometimes cloudy window. Eager to hear any triggers you might want to share from the segments and open dialogue.

BInk

Anonymous said...

Thank you for being vulnerable and authentic. I hurt with you but also hope with you. May God continue
his work within you!