Writing INbetween

Then it became clear to me through a quiet, gentle voice: "You may have authored the book, but the people who drift into and out of your life, like colorful leaves mingling in the breeze of autumn dialects, are the ones who are helping edit your story with the ink of their lives. Invite them to join you."

And so, I am venturing into an undiscovered country: Blog. And I invite you to join me as a fellow explorer and spelunker searching the gems to illuminate the cave.

This is how it happened and why I am putting this story out there: Last year I finished writing the first draft of my first book, titled INbetween, My year of walking in separation. It is a journal-type journey triggered by the separation from my wife of 25 years, Valerie. But it was much more than I could have ever imagined, and it is continuing each day ever since.

Writing a book was always a goal, albeit not at all my original dream of writing a children's book. Still it happened, now four years and a lifetime ago since that late July afternoon when we walked our separate ways into the desert. For those of you who know the outcome, please read on and try NOT to give the ending away. For those of you who do not know the outcome of the separation read on, because here's the idea behind this blog: I am going to try something outside the margins of the coloring paper, the idea of which came after a day of personal retreat two weeks ago. A day of reading the Bible, quiet reflection, prayer and great tunes! As a man of faith, the Messy Messianic Jew as my friends know me, I heard the following (depending on your faith point-of-view this might also be delivered as a whisper, sense, feeling, cloud formation, image in your latte foam, etc.) : "Why not invite the people in your life to co-edit and write the final text with you? They are the characters. And each of you are but a chapter, a page, a sentence, a word, a drop of ink in My eternal story." So, who am I to argue?

Here's the deal which I submit to each of you in considering whether to join me in this big sandbox (thanks T.J.) to play & share with me and others:

• I wrote this book from a place in my spirit as a way to deal with the deepest and and most enduring levels of pain and hurt and brokenness and discovery and joy I I have experienced in my life;
• I do not have a plan nor desire for commercial gain from writing this book;
• I have a passion to share the parts and pieces of my journey with men and women who have and/or are experiencing the challenges trying to come out from behind the masks we all wear to some extent (even though many of you will not admit it...yet), performing scenes of good intentions, strong efforts, achievement and the like;
• We all have questions about life with which we struggle. We don't know where to go, who to ask, who to trust and in those moments cry out to God for help through the pain and confusion;
• I do not have answers, just one man's story of walking in between the dark...and the light;
• I have mentioned to people close to me that part of my life's ministry is a desire to teach and be taught by like-hearted wanderers;
• The book is written in journal format, revealing to me the chance to offer it up in consumable bites, allowing for open feedback about: style, content, awkwardness, flow...and most importantly themes, issues, life experiences, struggles, awakenings, reconciliations, failures, joys, letting go, letting in, growth, faith, life, God;
• I have given the full manuscript (57 pages) to 12 people, and 4 have given me input -- THE REALITY IS that people people have the best intentions, they just do not have time trying to balance life in our ADD society. I think small bites is possibly the way to go;
• I do not want to send this to a professional editor, because I want it to carry the way and feel for the way it was written, keeping some of the flaws; after all, we live as imperfect beings, and no matter how many rounds of edits we try we will never in this world get it right. And I DO want it to be readable;
• Imagine a sandbox. Remember digging pirate tunnels and using colorful plastic toys for building Camelot castles? There are four sides built to keep the sand from spilling out all over the place. Now, imagine those four walls being the guidelines for your participation with me: 1) HONESTY, 2) SHARING, 3) TRUST, 4) FUN;
• I will do my best to encapsulate the comments and move to revised chapters, initially trying it in blocks of every thirty (30) days;
• It will be done, when it is done. I trust each of you and God to light our path;
• How many people will read it, try it on, share it with others, be impacted is out of my hands. Exactly where it is meant to be.

That's the deal. It may be the most hair-brained idea I have had to date. OK, my idea for "My Friend Sticka" probably remains in the #1 position. I might not get more than 5 people to play with me in the sand of words. Maybe none. But, I am putting it out there. I am spilling my ink stains onto the pages that follow. I am surrendering control. I am taking just the next step forward. I commit to write Wednesdays and Saturdays (this is not easy, mind you) because you are worth it, and the story and it's hopeful impact is worth it. I pray to God that He will open discussions among us. That we will be transparent and open with our feelings. That we can help each other be better versions of ourselves. That we will come to know each other a little better, and maybe even know God a little better. That truth, even as tiny pebbles tossed into the waters, will ripple wide and deep to drown the demons of deception and hiding. That when the last page is turned we will, in some small way, have stood in the light and love of a magnificent God who loves us, unconditionally, embracing our soiled and scarred lives in His welcoming arms.

The first section begins below. Please comment at any point in the document in your post, especially related to flow, content, length, clarity of message, relevance. I am MOST interested in the triggering of open dialogue about any of the issues or ideas that are presented. I welcome and encourage, please, the exchange of questions and responses. I will answer openly and with the truth from my life experience. The dialogue and sharing is more valuable than trying to claim the answers. And hopefully, you too might grapple a bit with the moments and apply them to your life.

And have some fun along the way, too.

Please join this prodigal son. Come walk with me in the INbetweens.

Messily -
Brian
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INbetween

My year of walking in separation.

Brian Scott Kagan

This book is dedicated first and always to an amazing God; one who could love a man as broken, sinful, wandering, selfish, humbled, vulnerable, fairly dumb… and undeserving as me. It is dedicated to my family, who have blessed my life with love, patience, and acceptance. They have and continue to be my inspiration and light. They are the reason for this book and the reason why I have committed the balance of my life to becoming a better man. It is dedicated to the “brothers and sisters” who have walked with me through this year and have been a continual source of reflection & accountability without judgment about the stained fabric of my life. Finally, it is dedicated to that one other man who might read this book. A man who has hurt others, hurt himself, struggled, wondered, cried alone when no one could hear, medicated the pain, screamed in silence to whatever God might be listening, but heard no response. All on behalf of being a “real” man, instead of simply a wounded child needing a reassuring hug and someone to say, “I forgive you. I love you just the way you are."

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June 15, 2005

I’m a 54-year-old man. And I’m dumb!

I am also dead broke [Actually, I am negative broke – would that make me dead…dead broke?].

I gave my life to God three years ago [Actually, because most people want to know what I am, I have finally concluded that I am a Messianic Jew; not for the reason you might immediately think, but because it has “MESSI(Y)” in the label. More on this later.]. And I still haven’t got a clue what it means to be a blessed man. Why there are so many denominations when everyone is reading the same book [it’s like shopping for your faith in the Mall of America]. What it will sound like when God whispers in my ear [I’m told by spiritual mentors that this will, in fact, happen – I’m listening….]. How to experience the “ruthless trust” of God’s love. Why God wants a relationship with me, and is and always will be by my side. Trying to understand what kind of man God wants me to be, considering the fact I am more dumb than any of the original disciples [and they sure seemed clueless along the way… to the Way]; why God has led me into a career path consulting to Christian Ministries, Christian denominations, Christian world leaders & other “faith shapers” helping them impact the world for the glory of the Kingdom. Oh yes, did I mention that until April of 2002 I was a just a nice Jewish boy from Brooklyn?

For the first time I realize and accept that I have lived my entire life behind a number of decoratively painted masks, effectively hiding the real face, certain that if removed people would run; terrified from grotesque scars; seeing the fat boy who used a safety pin to hold his pants together; the kid who crapped in his underwear, burying them in the back yard so no one would ever find my shame; the 21 year-old who wanted to be a poet [the next Walt Whitman] but became a shoe salesman instead; the man who stumbled into the marketing and brand communications business, and who after thirty years has played with the best of them [Fortune 500 companies, too, mind you!] working & facilitating corporate “dreaming” sessions filled with entertaining stories, poignant insights, passionate dialogue, catalytic revelations; the man who every time on stage, wonders if this time will be the one time where they figure out I’m a total fraud.

When I am alone, I frequently feel tears pooling up behind the masked smile, fearful that anyone who tried to know, appreciate, or maybe even love me would be interacting with the mask itself.

I have been married to the same woman for 25 years and have raised two amazingly wonderful children [not sure how they’ll end up, having swum all these years in my “dumb” gene pool]. We have been through heaven, hell and then some. Valerie, my wife, is a spectacular woman who has recently emerged into the light of her faith like a sterling rose in April sunlight; the blossoming making her more complete as a woman to bring to our relationship. And we are currently desperately holding on by an unraveling thread. I have “attacked” and “accused” and “bludgeoned” her with my words, my most vicious weapon.

We are a few days into the diagnosed “therapeutic separation” [and we pay good money to counselors, coaches and therapists to use terms like this] for one year and living in separate rooms of the house, so that we can figure out if we can really “kill” the old relationship… and begin fresh with a new covenant commitment before God. So, I decided I’d write a book about this process of separation. I think this makes perfect sense, with my recent faith thing and all, to share this phase of my journey. [If you’ll indulge me this encourages me to convey a little bit more about my faith, now that I have finally decided how to answer my favorite of all faith questions, guaranteed when you meet someone new… you give them some “clue” about your journey… and they ask, “So, what are you?” That’s when I do the dog-head-side-angle-tilt-when-hearing-a-high-pitched-sound maneuver. Living my years as a guy whose “square” life has never quite fit into society’s “round” holes, I have always abhorred being neatly placed into someone’s acceptable box. To my delight, I have developed a response. I smile, replying, “If you need a category, I’d have to say I am a Messianic Jew.” Immediately I get the “OK, you’re in” twinkle & nod. I continue, “But probably NOT for the reason you might be thinking. It’s mainly because it has the messy concept in it. And for sure, this faith thing is really messy!” They give a courteous chuckle, and then likely write me off as a bit-off center heretic, likely form the residue of the ‘70’s!] And, unlike a number of “Self Help” or “Christian Inspiration” books which tells a story with a redeeming end where everything “works out” [the man finds God in a lonely bar, bares his soul, leaves it all behind, recommits his life to God and his wife, becomes a missionary, starts a marriage reconciliation counseling ministry with his wife, runs retreats in the Smoky Mountains with singing, hiking, crying, laughing, group hugs, etc., etc….] So, I am writing this story before we know how it ends. I am not sure how we will walk through the process and what it will all look like when we come through the other side. Regardless of the outcome, I do believe it will be a good thing for us, notwithstanding my consistent bitching, moaning, whining, scratching and resisting the process. [I am convinced this attitude is largely a “guy” thing. Most men really do have a propensity for being real “dicks” when we’re threatened…or revealed… or seen in any way to be vulnerable. Where are Rambo, the Terminator, and Han Solo when you really need them?]. And so it begins.

Am I really dumb? Maybe. Probably. And, the truth is that I welcome these moments, painful as they are. My prayer and hope is that in your reading my real-time story, experience my questions, wanderings, and discoveries that you might see the blessings through your own broken and confused moments, feel the discomfort of the constricting mask you might be wearing, know the loneliness of retreating to the cave of rooms while trying to hide from the demons who join you for coffee this morning or share cocktails in the living room late at night. And then, I hope we will feel the gentle hand of God touch our shoulder, whispering, “Trust me. Come and accept the invitation I have for you to be the man I have always planned for you to be. And by the way, I love you just the way you are.”

END OF THIS SECTION