Book Segment #9 - "Just coffee."

November 14, 2005

“Would you like to meet for some coffee?”

Redundant as it is and trite as it might sound, God is simply amazing. It has been two weeks since the last meeting Valerie and I had with Jim, and with great anticipation I got a call from her just before the scheduled meeting last week to say that she was feeling ill and would be unable to make the meeting. Not a big deal under normal circumstances (now, there’s an oxymoron for you, normal), but with the “decision time” rapidly approaching (after six months we agreed to decide the “direction” we would pursue for our future relationship, married or divorced) this missed session cut deep. You see, the deal from Jim was that we were to go through this six-month process without making any final decisions. This is much tougher than you might imagine; like a strange bar drink: “I’ll have a wander-a-bit-in-the-wilderness cocktail, mixed with a solitude chaser. Strange concoction to swallow; promises to take you right to the edge of your fears, doubts, dreams, capabilities, desires, faith and toxic waste removal. Jim said we’d have to develop a taste for it, but he thought we would come to appreciate its peculiar intoxication.

So many times through these months, I’ve felt like the exposed interior walls of a home with the layered years of wallpaper stripped away. What remains are random patterns of glue stains. The walls are gouged and scarred from all the tearing away.

We had agreed to Jim’s process, and this being a mere 8 weeks from the designated endpoint, I did the math: Thanksgiving (minus 1 week), Christmas and New Years (minus 2 weeks), a possible business trip and/or miscellaneous “good reason” to miss thrown in (minus 1) and we are down to 4 meetings. Hmmm…seems to me that it just might be a good idea to start talking about the things surrounding whatever the decision for our future might be. From my experience of the process so far, I know I will bring a different perspective to the dialogue than when we began. I am clearer about things I had never admitted to myself. I have discovered things about myself I now realize make up the man I want to be. Like having a Band of Brothers. Like desiring more “simplicity.” Like needing and honoring my “alone” time. Like enjoying movies, even if I go alone. Like knowing that I want to be present in my woman’s life; and she in mine. Like knowing that companionship on a walk, or drive in the country, or quiet time on the couch reading separate books is far more intimate to me than a quenched libido; those stolen moments and life-markers we share, not a night of torrid sex, are the things we remember and cherish years later. Like knowing that I am still a broken man who still has the potential to hurt people, and realizing that is the reason why I need God in my life.

Anyway, after hearing the news from Valerie about missing the meeting I went ahead and kept the meeting with Jim. During our conversation, I conveyed my concern and desire to begin bringing closure to this process…finally. And as is his propensity, he quickly popped my “closure balloon” with this statement, “Now, remember when we started this process I said you were not to make any final decisions for the six-month period…NOT that at the end of the time you will have all the answers and conclusions.” Now, if Jim’s subtle discomfort (sort of like that tingle you get before an oncoming canker sore) was not enough, he added, “You might decide that you are not ready to decide anything yet and determine to continue on with this for an extended period of time. Of course with some modifications.” Oh boy, now that is great news! Woo hoo! More of this… exactly what I was hoping for. After working to control my effusive glee, I responded that at the very least I would really like to be able to have a cup of coffee with her (with his permission of course) to ask if there was any possibility for civility or reconciliation of a friendship, considering that we had adeptly been accomplishing the killing off of our former relationship. And just like that he replied, “Why not?”

I left his office. Whatever glimmer of hope I might have felt three weeks ago was quickly fading with this very encouraging news from Jim. I went home and later that evening called Valerie to tell her the date of the next meeting, withholding the contents of my meeting with Jim. I expressed my wish that she feel better and expressed my disappointment in missing the meeting, especially considering the timing of the process, etc., etc. Without hesitation she responded, “Would you like to meet for some coffee?”

Eight words. Nine syllables. Thirty one letters.

I wonder how God chooses moments that remind us of His presence and movement in our lives. We pray so many prayers asking for wisdom, grace, mercy, protection of our children, intervention in the lives of hurting people and the like. We work on our praying approach, thinking that somehow if we hit the right formula that He “likes,” that He might be more inclined to hear us, and possibly answer that last request. I’ve tried many tactics; casual conversations, speaking to empty chairs, burning candles and incense, ritual phrases, the prayer of Jabez every night before bed, praying while driving to work, out loud, in silence, in crowds, on the john, on the floor, in the shower, starting more conversationally with “Dude,” on walks with Bentley…. And in the end, it really doesn’t matter. He hears. He cares. He is there and knows exactly the right time. His time. His place. His way. The message is clear and consistent: “know…trust…believe”.

Two days later Valerie and I had coffee at Starbucks. We met for 43 minutes… but who’s counting? The conversation was a bit awkward at first, but warmed up noticeably as it progressed. I let go of my need to talk about my stuff, wanting only to be washed in her presence. Her feelings, experiences, struggles, successes…anything. This is not to say that I really didn’t want to share some of my feelings, mind you, but God was encouraging me (it was more like a pinch on the fleshy part of the leg) to lean in to her. It felt wonderful. And new. At the end of the conversation, I told her I had to leave for the airport in 5 minutes for a business trip, so I gathered up my courage and asked her the question that had consumed me since we separated: “You do not have to answer this, but my heart is telling me to put it out there. Through a lot of reflection and prayer, I am clear that I want to strive for some level of reconciliation. I’m not sure exactly what that means, but I do know that more than anything I want to try and regain some of the friendship I lost. I want to try to connect with those feelings and reasons that brought us together in the first place. That’s what’s most important to me.”

She listened attentively to each of my carefully selected words. Then, I asked the clincher: “Do you feel as though you can ever release your anger from the hurt you have experienced, and consider reconnecting at any level? I ask this because I think it will help begin answering some questions that can impact the next season for us.”

She paused, long and breathless, then replied. “The truth is that the anger and pain are beginning to subside. It’s allowing me to open the door a little. I am not saying that I am ready to move back in together… but I would be open to having more times like this and sharing what’s going on in each other’s lives.”

I know she said more than that, but those last words were all that I heard. A crack in the door. A sliver of light spilling into the hallway.

We then acknowledged that the process Jim was taking us through, and the decisions to come in January, might in fact lead us to consider taking even more time to rebuild. And, the truth is that I am not even clear as to what future I want for us. I am not certain that the love Valerie and I have shared is the type of love upon which to build a covenant marriage.The damages on both sides are a direct result of missing the intimacy that was either withheld… or simply not there. God invites us into a relationship of genuine intimacy and love. I have experienced some of these moments with Him, as well as of late with close male and female friends. These months of separation have challenged my discernment of the love I have tried to share with Valerie. There is no question that I love her. The kind of love that led to our precious daughter. The kind of love that still burns for our family. Still, being in love and sharing genuine intimacy present the ambiguous gap. And it remained open through the years like a festering wound.

I do not think Valerie and I ever shared this level of intimacy. And so the battle for our hearts continues.

But for now…just coffee.